He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
