btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
