i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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