I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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