Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
