Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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