The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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