What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
