i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
