How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
