I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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