I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
