I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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