the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
