I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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