so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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