I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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