you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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