Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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