My room smells like vodka and shame
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We need a shit load of segways right now
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
