In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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