I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
