I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
