We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
