A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize