what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
