my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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