The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
