my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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