Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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