I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
