I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
