M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
