The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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