I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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