and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
