We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
