ya dads aren't the best wingmen
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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