false alarm. still invincible.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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