Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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