No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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