I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
