At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
