sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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