I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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