Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
