i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
