Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
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