So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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