He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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