I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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