drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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