I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize