Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
