there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
