Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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