Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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