New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
